Collage by Zaitoon

I’m a bit cynical when it comes to films. I’m the one that laughs in horror movies because the blood spurts ten feet (but come on, who doesn’t?). I’m also the one says, and very loudly, ‘I wouldn’t have shot it like that’. I’m critical though I have no right to be, but what can I say: I love my movies. With all my cynical and pretentious beliefs around films, there are really some films I can find absolutely no flaws in. I simply enjoyed the film. I didn’t laugh (unless I was supposed to) and formed little attachments to the movies that had me quoting lines and adopting mannerisms.

The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums, written by Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson was my gateway drug to Wes Anderson. Everything in this movie was spot on, the aesthetics, the dialogue, the plot, the actors, the… You get my point, I loved everything. The movie tells the story of a family of child geniuses and their relationship with each other and their absentee father. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Margot Tenenbaum had me suspiciously hording my secrets and wearing little barrettes in my hair (and let me tell you, I did not achieve the same affect). Luke Wilson’s Richie Tenenbaum showed me what is was like to love someone and know you can’t have them. Kumar Pallana’s Pagoda made me laugh and love his loyalty and humour. I loved this movie so much, and if anyone knows where I can get a headband like Richie, tell me now.

Les Misèrables

Someone once told me they didn’t like Les Mis (what we hip-hopper kids call it) (Just me) because there was too much singing. To which I replied with lowered brow and confused tone ‘It’s a musical’. The singing was the best part. I know the words to ‘At the End of the Day’ and I’ll sing it at the most inappropriate of times. Whenever I need a pseudonym, I go by Jean Valjean. Always. When mum tells me to do the dishes, I lock myself in my room and yell ‘Vive La France’. At the end of Les Misèrables I sobbed like a baby for 2 hours. I was subdued for a week and if that isn’t powerful stuff I don’t know what is.

 I also have a massive crush on Eddie Redmayne. That is all.

The Hunger Games

Come on, who didn’t like this? I read the book when I was like 13 and loved it, but never in my wildest dreams did I think the movie would be so faithful to the book. AND GOOD TOO. So many people don’t like Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss (I think she’s perfect) and that’s all a matter of opinion, but Josh Hutcherson as Peeta is just undisputed genius. He brought Book Peeta to life in a way I wasn’t expecting at all. Also, I want to be Amandla Stenberg? Her portrayal of Rue was so innocent and beautiful, no-one can ever watch Rue’s death scene without crying, or at least a little sniffling. If I ever make a movie, I’d cast her front and centre.

Dirty Picture

Dirty Picture is a Bollywood film starring Vidya Balan (my favourite Bollywood actress full stop). The movie tells the story of Item Girl (A dancer in Indian films, usually quite provocative) Reshma or as she is known in her films, ‘Silk’. I can tell you know there is no happy ending. Though the movie is so realistic and colourful it is by far my favourite Bollywood film. You can’t help but love Silk. She’s confident, driven, funny and honest. She’s the perfect heroine, you can’t help but root for her to leave her life of poverty but at the same time you can see her flaws, her imperfections and you wish she did too. After watching this I started raising my eyebrows sardonically whenever I talked to someone, in imitation of Silk.

I was asked if I had a twitch.

Anyone else a film manic? Yes? YES?!

By Zaitoon 

Book Clichés: A surprisingly cynical account of the worst offenders

If you’re a reader like me, you understand the deep anger that stems from opening a book and reading stupid line after stupid line that makes you want to claw at your eyes. You know what I mean; the clichéd comments and characters that certain authors seem have on constant repeat. Those lines that are ALWAYS in first person; from a narrator that’s just trying to find themselves. It gets to a point where you can’t differentiate between books and really, really wish a character would just be killed of already*. So with that blunt admission, here they are**:

1.      “We Were Infinite”/”The Moment Stretched Forever”/”I Felt Like We’d Live Forever”

See ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green
Also see ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ Stephan Chbosky

Every time someone reads this Harry Styles loses a pair of skinny jeans. When I’m having a good time, I’m not busy thinking about how many versions of me exist on another plane of existence. I’m “wow I’m having a good time”. Maybe it’s my bitter showing, but every time I read this I can just feel the bile rising in my throat

2.       “He Was Everything. I was nothing”

I can’t give you a book to reference this because it happens in just about every YAF book/fan story. First of all: no. Second: Yeah, sure, you guys are kissing, and you feel so intangible that he’s the only solid thing to anchor you to the cold hard earth, but: please no. I’m no expert but when people kiss don’t they mostly think ‘omigod, is that too much tongue’ or something along those lines?

3.      The Nerdy/ Boring Girl That Everybody Loves Despite The Fact That She’s Irritating And Useless AKA The Mary Sue

See ‘Twilight’ by Stephanie Meyer

Also see ‘Evermore’ by Alyson Noel

Also see “The House of Night’ Series by PC and Kristin Cast

This cliché is so universally hated, it has a nickname. The Mary Sue is generally not a bad person but has such a bland personality that it makes perfect sense that they should be ignored. Hahahahahha. NOPE. The Mary Sue is almost always a new kid starting at a new and scary school where they get a group of friends IMMEDIATELY and a love interest almost as quickly. The Mary Sue thinks she’s unattractive but really she’s a BABE.

NOTE: The Mary Sue can also be a male or, as I like to call it, Tommy Lee. The Tommy Lee has all the girls fawning over him but he just wishes the girl he liked would LOVE him. Usually the girl is extraordinarily beautiful with a hot boyfriend giving us girls at home a complex and a need to buy some caramel ice-cream.

4.       The Bitchy Mean Girl That Literally Has No Reason To be Mean But Is Anyway Because The Plot Calls For It

See ‘The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer’ By Michelle Hodkin

Also see ‘The House of Night’ series by PC and Kristin Cast

(I had to go calm myself before writing this).  This girl is almost always blonde and 99.999% of the time white. What is it about blonde girls that people think instantly means ‘bitchy’? And these girls aren’t just bitchy they are ABSOLUTE COWS. They embarrass the protagonist, try to hurt them or worse try to steal their boyfriends (gasp); all in the name of jealousy (sometimes NOT EVEN THAT. JUST FOR FUNSIES). This is obsessive and, in some cases, psychotic behaviour and why? Because the protagonist (Always a Mary Sue) gets the boy or the Julliard Scholarship or something like that. If this girl (it’s always a girl, which just grinds my gears) is so damn beautiful and so damn popular, why does she care?!?!?!??! SHE CAN JUST GET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND/SCHOLARSHIP/PROM QUEEN TITLE.

5.       The Manic Pixie Boy/Girl

See ‘Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares’ by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan

See ANYTHING BY JOHN GREEN

What kind of book cliché post would this be without a nod to the Manic Pixie boy/girl? Oh what can I say? The Manic Pixie Boy/Girl 9 times out of 10 is discovered by a dour protagonist (usually a male), who wants to be a writer and works at a coffee shop. She/he is so exciting and cool but without even supposedly trying. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. They’re deep individuals that think about the future constantly. BUT WHAT THERE’S MORE. They’re not attractive in a conventional way, OH HO HO, NOT A CHANCE. They’re good looking in a way that makes everyone look. Much like (oh yes) a pixie.

6.      The Bad Boy Player That Actually Turns Out To Be a Rich Sensitive Guy with Abandonment Issues

See ‘The Duff’ by  Kody Keplinger

See ‘The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer’ by Michelle Hodkin

This archetype has seemingly just sprung out of nowhere in the last three years. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it is this. The boy (it is ALWAYS a boy) has a reputation at school for sleeping around and dumping girls like used tissues, yet the protagonist is strangely allured by him. At this point the Bad Boy realises the protagonist (sometimes a Mary Sue, but just as often not) is different and he wants to date her. This is then succeeded by a game of cat and mouse, during which the Bad Boy takes her to his house which is a MANSION (oh wow).

Protagonist is so surprised!

“You’re rich?” she says incredulously. What a lame girl move, protagonist. Don’t just assume that everyone is penniless except you. Also, he drove you in a bloody Porsche, of course he’s RICH. What happened to sensitive boys that made you mix tapes in their tiny bedroom? EVERYONE JUSTS WANTS A DIAMOND NECKLACE NOW.

Actually, I’d take both if there are any takers.

By Zaitoon

*NOTE: Just like to let you know, I’ve read ALL of these books and I enjoyed most of them. I love David Levithan. This is all for fun and are the things that usually come up when friends complain about books. Don’t take anything to heart.

**ANOTHER NOTE: not 100% serious. More like 57.4%.