Hey It's Olive

Book Clichés: A surprisingly cynical account of the worst offenders

If you’re a reader like me, you understand the deep anger that stems from opening a book and reading stupid line after stupid line that makes you want to claw at your eyes. You know what I mean; the clichéd comments and characters that certain authors seem have on constant repeat. Those lines that are ALWAYS in first person; from a narrator that’s just trying to find themselves. It gets to a point where you can’t differentiate between books and really, really wish a character would just be killed of already*. So with that blunt admission, here they are**:

1.      “We Were Infinite”/”The Moment Stretched Forever”/”I Felt Like We’d Live Forever”

See ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green
Also see ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ Stephan Chbosky

Every time someone reads this Harry Styles loses a pair of skinny jeans. When I’m having a good time, I’m not busy thinking about how many versions of me exist on another plane of existence. I’m “wow I’m having a good time”. Maybe it’s my bitter showing, but every time I read this I can just feel the bile rising in my throat

2.       “He Was Everything. I was nothing”

I can’t give you a book to reference this because it happens in just about every YAF book/fan story. First of all: no. Second: Yeah, sure, you guys are kissing, and you feel so intangible that he’s the only solid thing to anchor you to the cold hard earth, but: please no. I’m no expert but when people kiss don’t they mostly think ‘omigod, is that too much tongue’ or something along those lines?

3.      The Nerdy/ Boring Girl That Everybody Loves Despite The Fact That She’s Irritating And Useless AKA The Mary Sue

See ‘Twilight’ by Stephanie Meyer

Also see ‘Evermore’ by Alyson Noel

Also see “The House of Night’ Series by PC and Kristin Cast

This cliché is so universally hated, it has a nickname. The Mary Sue is generally not a bad person but has such a bland personality that it makes perfect sense that they should be ignored. Hahahahahha. NOPE. The Mary Sue is almost always a new kid starting at a new and scary school where they get a group of friends IMMEDIATELY and a love interest almost as quickly. The Mary Sue thinks she’s unattractive but really she’s a BABE.

NOTE: The Mary Sue can also be a male or, as I like to call it, Tommy Lee. The Tommy Lee has all the girls fawning over him but he just wishes the girl he liked would LOVE him. Usually the girl is extraordinarily beautiful with a hot boyfriend giving us girls at home a complex and a need to buy some caramel ice-cream.

4.       The Bitchy Mean Girl That Literally Has No Reason To be Mean But Is Anyway Because The Plot Calls For It

See ‘The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer’ By Michelle Hodkin

Also see ‘The House of Night’ series by PC and Kristin Cast

(I had to go calm myself before writing this).  This girl is almost always blonde and 99.999% of the time white. What is it about blonde girls that people think instantly means ‘bitchy’? And these girls aren’t just bitchy they are ABSOLUTE COWS. They embarrass the protagonist, try to hurt them or worse try to steal their boyfriends (gasp); all in the name of jealousy (sometimes NOT EVEN THAT. JUST FOR FUNSIES). This is obsessive and, in some cases, psychotic behaviour and why? Because the protagonist (Always a Mary Sue) gets the boy or the Julliard Scholarship or something like that. If this girl (it’s always a girl, which just grinds my gears) is so damn beautiful and so damn popular, why does she care?!?!?!??! SHE CAN JUST GET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND/SCHOLARSHIP/PROM QUEEN TITLE.

5.       The Manic Pixie Boy/Girl

See ‘Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares’ by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan

See ANYTHING BY JOHN GREEN

What kind of book cliché post would this be without a nod to the Manic Pixie boy/girl? Oh what can I say? The Manic Pixie Boy/Girl 9 times out of 10 is discovered by a dour protagonist (usually a male), who wants to be a writer and works at a coffee shop. She/he is so exciting and cool but without even supposedly trying. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. They’re deep individuals that think about the future constantly. BUT WHAT THERE’S MORE. They’re not attractive in a conventional way, OH HO HO, NOT A CHANCE. They’re good looking in a way that makes everyone look. Much like (oh yes) a pixie.

6.      The Bad Boy Player That Actually Turns Out To Be a Rich Sensitive Guy with Abandonment Issues

See ‘The Duff’ by  Kody Keplinger

See ‘The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer’ by Michelle Hodkin

This archetype has seemingly just sprung out of nowhere in the last three years. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it is this. The boy (it is ALWAYS a boy) has a reputation at school for sleeping around and dumping girls like used tissues, yet the protagonist is strangely allured by him. At this point the Bad Boy realises the protagonist (sometimes a Mary Sue, but just as often not) is different and he wants to date her. This is then succeeded by a game of cat and mouse, during which the Bad Boy takes her to his house which is a MANSION (oh wow).

Protagonist is so surprised!

“You’re rich?” she says incredulously. What a lame girl move, protagonist. Don’t just assume that everyone is penniless except you. Also, he drove you in a bloody Porsche, of course he’s RICH. What happened to sensitive boys that made you mix tapes in their tiny bedroom? EVERYONE JUSTS WANTS A DIAMOND NECKLACE NOW.

Actually, I’d take both if there are any takers.

By Zaitoon

*NOTE: Just like to let you know, I’ve read ALL of these books and I enjoyed most of them. I love David Levithan. This is all for fun and are the things that usually come up when friends complain about books. Don’t take anything to heart.

**ANOTHER NOTE: not 100% serious. More like 57.4%.